The first 6 weeks

My thoughts on the first 6 weeks of mommyhood

Shortly after Eli's birth I got a parenting magazine in the mail, one that described the first 12 weeks of surviving after baby's birth as "the trenches". About 3 weeks into it, I definitely understood why.

Week 1 we were mostly on survival mode balanced with a good helping of awe at our baby's arrival. My mom's presence was a great comfort and Rob and I had no worries of feeding ourselves or keeping the house clean. It was a great time to bond with our little one and adjust to being parents. Nights of less sleep were eased by long day time naps. There were plenty of post-partum tears and learning the how-tos of mommy-dom seemed endless but overall mom's homecooking at the end of everyday made life seem manageable.

When she left Rob's week of paternity began. Rob did a great job of easing the transition between easy street with my mom and the reality of day to day life with a newborn. When my mom left it felt very reminiscent of when Rob and I left the hospital with Eli. We were on our own. I was still spoiled with breakfast, lunch and dinner; but getting time for a shower became trickier. I still cannot comprehend how such a little person who sleeps so much can cause 2 adults to sleep, eat, and shower so little.

The 3rd week Rob went back to work and between the hours of 9-5, I was responsible for not only taking care of Eli, but me too. By friday I was utterly exhausted.

Weeks 3,4, and 5 progressively became more challenging. Our quiet baby "woke up" with gas pains and a seeming inability to burp. It was nothing short of depressing to realize at 4 weeks after his birth, it had been 28 days since I'd gotten a solid 8 or even 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Seriously baby is 5 too many to ask for? I finally understood what sleep deprivation does to a person. During the early weeks (before I guess my body adjusted) I awoke from:

- trying to nurse a pillow
- in an absolute panic having forgotten where I put the baby (no worries he was in his bassinet)
- waking Rob up with crazy nonsensical questions
- a really vivid dream of overdosing on prenatal vitamins (I hid them from myself the next morning)

It seems odd to me that the time in life when the most energy is needed would correspond to receiving less sleep that a gnat could function on. One morning at 4am, after just getting a newborn whose days and nights were confused back to sleep, I found myself in the kitchen crying from utter exhaustion and frustration; wondering why in the world having a baby sounded like such a good idea 10 months ago. Little sleep coupled with countless winter days of changing diapers and feeding baby made every day seem like the baby version of the movie "groundhog day". I saw no end in sight, and couldn't imagine a day when I'd have time to shower and eat breakfast before 1pm, when would I ever be able to get us both out the door for anything? Forget labor, these weeks were hard I would compare them to transition during labor. I felt completely ill equipped for the demands of motherhood at times during these weeks.

At a full 6 weeks, we're not out of the woods yet by any means. Baby boy has reverted to waking every 2 hours during the night for snacks. I'm thinking its due to his latest growth spurt. But breasting feeding is easier now (even though we still have our ups and downs with it) so night time feedings are not the production they once were. I can function quite happily with less sleep and enjoy the occasional afternoon nap when I can catch it. Me and baby have had many successful outings, the grocery, a la leche league meeting, wal-mart, the library, a new mommy class, a friends house, church. I've been able to learn how to mommy and sometimes do the dishes, prepare meals, do some light cleaning, etc. But overall, I think the turn came when I submitted to being less productive (or as I confided to Rob- less busy).

I thought after the initial 3 weeks, I'd be myself again. Running around town, handling the affairs of the house, back to outings with friends- so when feedings were still taking an hour, anything outside baby's needs felt overwhelming, and at the end of the day the sink was full of dirty dishes and I was unshowered, life felt rough. But once I submitted to a slower pace and less busy life, life has gradually gotten better and I can see that one day, we'll have our new normal that will work.

Even though life with a newborn has been totally unglamorous and often times downright dirty, there is a distinct feeling of sacredness. The messy kind that we seem to have the most of in our lives. I've treasured quiet times of nursing in the afternoon, singing him to sleep at night and waking up to the russeling of little baby feet under the covers in the morning. It's been amazing to take my place as a woman in the process of life; to watch my baby grow and know that he's getting all his nutrients from me. I can't wait to see Eli running down the hall in his footed pjs, smiling at me, hearing "mama", kissing skinned knees and Saturday mornings full of cartoons and demands for pancakes. So, no worries, grandparents, Eli will have plenty of little brothers and sisters. Like labor pains, I'm guessing we'll look back on these first weeks with rose colored glasses, remembering our baby's first coos and yawns and not poopy diapers at 4 am.